Should Christians Use Preferred Pronouns?
Recently, I was talking with a friend when she asked my opinion about whether Christians should use preferred pronouns for transgender people. She shared her opinion first: “I think we shouldn’t use preferred pronouns,” my friend said, “But my dad disagrees. Not because he affirms transgender ideology, but because the church has such a bad reputation—he doesn’t want to drive people away from Christ by acting in ways they’ve always been told implied hatred.” This was a thought I’d heard voiced several times, and it seemed to make a lot of sense.
A lot of Christians who don’t support transgenderism (and who see it for the lie that it is) still choose to use preferred pronouns when around transgender people in an effort to be welcoming. Others refuse, opting to avoid the use of pronouns or to simply to use the pronouns that correspond with people’s sex. There are disagreements on preferred names, on whether to use pronouns at all…but one of the more serious ones is this: Should Bible-believing Christians ever or never use the wrong pronouns?
Now, I know what I think on this topic, but throughout our conversation I realized I’ve never quite articulated my reasoning. I told her what I thought, and I guess I’ll tell you too, but it wasn’t until writing this article that I began actually trying to understand both perspectives, or to articulate the defense I had always wordlessly understood for my own position.
But first, I have to say I’m a bit surprised we are having this conversation. When did Bible-believing Christians decide that affirming what we know to be lies was the compassionate thing to do, or that temporarily playing along with people’s delusions would make them more open to Christ? And whether it would do that or not—why does the possibility seem like justification enough to affirm lies?
I think it has something to do with the way our culture views compassion vs empathy. We live in a world where kindness is seen as affirming whatever a person wants to think—we value personal choice so much, we’ve decided the only objective truth is that you shouldn’t get in the way of someone else’s personal truth.
Now, most Christians don’t affirm that self-consciously, as many in the secular culture might. But that worldview has still snuck into our minds. Maybe we don’t see truth as subjective—but we assume that the loving thing to do (at least in cases like transgenderism and pronouns) is to affirm people’s “subjective” (false) view of truth, at least for a time. We’re afraid that they’ll feel attacked otherwise, because we know that their worldview tells them they have a right to create truth and we worry they’ll be offended if we voice disagreement.
There is an opinion among many Christians that using preferred pronouns is the right thing to do not because the transgender ideology is true, or because it would be sinful to hurt someone’s feelings, but because the hurting of said feelings could drive someone away from the church.
The argument, as far as I can tell, is that many LGBTQ people have been mistreated by small factions of the church in the past, factions that, rather than speaking the truth boldly and with love, spoke it boldly and with hate. The unfortunate victims of that sort of speech have now come to associate boldness with hate.
The solution, say the gender-affirming-except-secretly-not Christians, is to cease being bold. Or, only to be bold when speaking to people who agree with them. Or, only to be bold when discussing non-controversial issues (of which there are really none in Christianity, but many Christians seem to forget that).
Of course, they reason, those who align themselves with LGBTQ ideologies will never hear us out unless we use their preferred pronouns and meet them in the perception of reality that they’re at. If we use the correct pronouns for them, they’ll associate us with those hateful Christians they know—or have seen on TV. And, before we have a chance to prove we’re not like that, they’ll run away. Never to hear the gospel again.
It’s a well thought-out, perfectly practical objection. It considers the cultural environment, the feelings of individuals, the good of the group, and the possibility of future evangelism.
The only thing it doesn’t consider is the Truth.
It ignores the fact that pronouns aren’t just words. Language isn’t just words. Every word we say means something, has a certain connotation and looks different in various social contexts. Every word we say says something about who we are and what we believe, and every charged word like those we’re currently discussing says something about what we think the truth is.
Using preferred pronouns will inevitably communicate that we think gender and sex aren’t tied the way God made them to be. It communicates that we think a boy can be a girl, deep down in his masculine brain programmed with XY chromosomes, and vice versa.
The Bible doesn’t command us to ignore the truth because we think it won’t be effective. God has ultimate say over what “works” and He brings people to Himself through all of His Truth, not just the inoffensive parts. “For the word of God is living and active, sharper than any two-edged sword,” (Hebrews 4:12). God never tells us to make His word more palatable to potential converts. His word is just what it’s supposed to be: living and active and sharp. Remember, it was breathed out by the same Voice that spoke the universe into existence.
God in His word tells us He created us male and female. He tells us everything about His design for the world, and He never tells us to hide any of it for the sake of being listened to.
Using preferred pronouns while proclaiming our Christianity misrepresents Christ.
Affirming a lie is telling a lie.
This strategy aims to prove to the world that Christians aren’t actually bigots. It tries to show that, no, we’re nice people who respect you enough to call you by the pronouns you choose. That, contrary to popular belief, we do measure up to the world’s standards.
But trying to show that Christians are “good” by affirming lies separates Christians from Christianity and the Truth of the Bible. Acting in a way that contradicts God’s word—for example, appearing to affirm the truth of a false reality that contradicts one of the foundations of God’s world—while being or claiming to be a Christian is saying that the character of the people who follow our religion is more important than the Truth that religion teaches.
It’s saying: “Don’t worry, Christians aren’t bigots. We don’t follow the Bible if it tells us to be mean.”
The only end to this strategy—if it succeeds—is a bunch of nonbelievers who think Christians are actually great people! It’s just the God they claim to follow Who’s such a terrible guy.
We’re trying to be loving. We don’t want to offend. But all we’re managing to do is obscure the Truth and hide the full love of Christ from sinners in need.
Because who says love means not offending someone?
It means not offending someone needlessly. But it doesn’t mean keeping someone happy all the time. Creating a false world where someone feels welcome isn’t truly being welcoming. It’s hiding the real world that you want them to be part of, so they can think they’ve found the truth, yet remain in lies.
If we deny sin (even just some sins), we lessen our perception of the grace of God. If we tell a sinner that they’re doing just fine, they won’t have any reason to care when we tell them about the grace that saves them from their sins.
The gospel is offensive (we’re all sinners deserving of Hell). The idea of a righteous God is scary. Understanding the reality of sin might be hurtful, but the sin itself hurts much worse—and being ashamed helps no one.
There should be nothing God says that we’re ashamed of. Nothing God says that we’re ashamed of in front of certain people. Nothing God says that we’re not ashamed of, per se, we just…would rather…people not know…we believed that.
When God says He created man male and female after his own image, to smile and call your friend “they/them/theirs” is to deny the Truth of His word.
In doing so, we’re showing unbelievers that it’s okay to like Christians, as we have no connection to God’s truth.
It makes sense. It’s scary to say things that might offend people, and it seems wise to avoid scaring people off. But the Truth will always scare people off. No one wants to believe the Bible, or everyone would. If God can change the heart of an unbeliever, He can change the heart of ANY unbeliever—and His word will speak for itself.
Despite the logic of practical arguments in favor of using preferred pronouns, doing so is wrong. Loving sinners is important, but affirming their lies and letting them live in sin isn’t love—telling them about God’s grace is. Avoiding conflict with the use of preferred pronouns simply hides the truth, and you can’t do that forever.
